White shark at MBAQ: 4 for 4 since '04

For the fourth time, the Monterey Bay Aquarium has put a Great White Shark on display in their million gallon Outer Bay exhibit. Again, it's a juvenile taken off the coast of Malibu that they will likely release early in '09. The rumor is that this will be the last white shark on exhibit until 2011, as the Outer Bay will undergo remodeling in '09/10. The MBAQ is the only aquarium in the world that has ever successfully displayed, fed in captivity, and released a Great White back into the wild, and clearly, they are getting pretty damn good at it.

Surfing is officially ruined

  
It was the last remaining bastion of action sports originality. Snowboarding succumbed a long time ago with the invention of the terrain park—and my help, I might add. Now there are as many rail shots as powder shots in most snow mags, and that annoys me. Wakeboarding is nothing if not a bastardization of everything skate and snow. And you know the skate influence is out of control when FSMXers are doing front wheel manuals on boxes. But now surfing is ruined, too. 

And while surfing had been previously enlightened with skate-influenced airs via the Momentum Generation, the 'Rail of Death' is a step too far, a step too cruel, and well... that thing is just plain hideous and looks wrong on a beach. Thanks Transworld Pretend Skateboarding Empire, you've done it again.

Go slather yourself

I'm not sure if Lake Superior State University is actually redefining the classroom (as their website states) but they are taking a healthy shot at ridding the English language of a bunch of stupid phrases that most of us are sick of. If you pay even passing attention the media, then you hear phrases like "post-911" and "perfect storm" about a hundred times a day too many. Hence this list of words and phrases to be banned. I agree with most of them, and will be submitting my own suggestions... and you can play along here.  

From the 'Massive Overuse In Restaurant Menus' category, please banish forever: drizzled (drizzle is an effect of excessive moisture, not a method to apply toppings) and slathered (you slather on sunscreen, not butter). Why? Because it smacks of trying too hard to make food sound sexy. Because you'd never hear them in a busy kitchen. Can you imagine? "Pietro! Pass me the ladle, I have to do some drizzling!" The only chefs using these words either have a TV show or are taking themselves way too seriously; and usually both.

I am the customer. I don't want a bag.

  

It happened again. Some grocery store robot almost had to have his circuits rewired after I declined a plastic bag for my purchase. He got confused and gave it a second attempt. I declined again and so he put the unused plastic bag in the trash can under the check stand (which is of course, lined with a plastic bag) and in doing so, rendered my tiny act of environmentalism meaningless. Then he just stared down at his shoes, unsure whether to report me to the plastics industry or go on a smoke break.

Look kid, I know they tell you in training that you must force at least one plastic bag on every customer for every purchase, no mater how small or uncumbersome. I know they tell you that customers will get upset if they are not given a plastic bag. But I am the customer and I do not want a bag—for my single item, tile cleaner—and I WILL WIN this exchange. The plastic bag is not any easier to carry than the product itself. I have two completely functional hands. See the stupidity, stupid? And I don't want the damn receipt for $4.66, either. I am not going to return tile cleaner. Even if it doesn't work.

A dog named Booger, Part 2

   

Can it really get any weirder than the woman who sells her house to finance the cloning of her deceased canine, and then names one of the five new pups after herself? Yes, oh yes... it can get a whole lot weirder than that. Bernann McKinney, the obviously insane woman who made worldwide headlines two weeks ago is back in the spotlight—but the news isn't all cute floppy ears and cuddly puppy happiness. 

When it was suggested that she was the infamous Joyce McKinney, who fled the UK in 1977 after being accused of the abduction and rape of a fellow student, she originally denied the connection. But after being literally hounded (how appropriate) by media that she herself engaged, admitted that she is indeed Joyce Bernann McKinney... former Miss Wyoming, BYU drama student, nudie-mag model, stalker, fugitive and global troublemaker. In her defense, she snapped "I thought people would be honest enough to see me as a person who was trying to do something good..." Uh, yeah, because nothing says 'I've repented' like cloning your dog.

Walking The Tiger

  

For someone who growls a lot about the evils of Big Oil and irresponsible gas consumption, I was pretty easily seduced by the look, feel and sound of the 1965 Carroll Shelby Cobra I've been driving around for a couple of days. The annual Carmel 'Concours on the Avenue' is in town and so is my buddy Roberto and his new piece of blood red rolling thunder. What's it like to drive the Cobra? Imagine walking through your local downtown with a muscular and nervous Bengal Tiger on a leash, and hoping you can exact the proper control should it decide to break free and go crazy. Intense... that's what it's like. 

Crazy Eights

  

In China, the number 8 is considered auspicious. Nine thousand couples got married in China today, twice as many as any other day in history. And while China's cute decision to begin the Olympic opening ceremony at 8:08:08pm on 8/8/08 seems excessively specific, their fondest hope—to win MANY medals—seems hopelessly vague. 88 medals? Doubt it. 8 medals? Ooooh, that would suck.

Enjoy some Pond Scum

   

If you're stuck at home choking down the dry hype of a media-manufactured staycation sandwich, you might as well wash it down with something frosty, cool and strong. My own creation, Pond Scum sounds terrible but is actually delicious, and by the bottom of the first blender you'll think you're VAYcationing on the mythical Isla de Corona.

~ In a blender, put: ice, Bacardi Superior white rum (lots), pineapple chunks (handful), & peeled kiwis (3).

~ Blend it up. It turns a pale, dirty green color, with the black seeds from the kiwis enhancing the effect.

~ Pour into frosty glasses. Float a splash of Meyer's dark rum on top, and garnish with a mint leaf.

~ Take 4 to 6 and pass out in a hammock.

When it comes to thirst-quenching summertime adult beverages, margaritas are sooo last year. Bud Lite Lime is just plain stupid. Pond Scum is refreshingly... fresh. Please drink responsibly.

A dog named Booger

  
Six of them, actually. First, the original Booger, who passed away in March of '06, and now, the five CLONED Booger-like puppies that a clearly unhinged person named Bernann McKinney had manufactured by a South Korean biotech firm. Inconsolable over the loss of her best friend, she scoured the globe to find scientists who would take dna from the deceased and use it to create new Boogers. She traveled to Seoul this week to pick up her five brand new former dogs, and paid the 'first commercial customer' discounted price of $50K. That's ten grand apiece for five genetically identical dogs. Look, if I won the lottery tomorrow, and went hog-loco buying myself whatever ridiculously overpriced thing I wanted, I still couldn't justify buying five of the exact same... anything.

Now the names—and I swear I am not making these up: Booger Ra, Booger Lee, Booger Dong, Booger Park and yes, her namesake, little Booger Bernann. "Aw, he has your eyes. I can tell by the gleam of insanity." 

The Law of Random Convergence

Ever think about someone you haven't thought about or spoken to in a long time, only to have them call or email you the very next hour, or day? Such was the case this weekend when I booked a September flight to NYC (for the US Open) and recalled past trips to the Apple, including one almost exactly ten years ago, where I ran into one Mark G. (aka Rex Fury, on the right, Rhode on the left), homey and surf-bro from the Bay Area. Guess who emailed me a few hours later? Yep. It just goes that way sometimes. And I like it.